Wandering through clouds

So, a voice of my generation lost his life 20 years ago today. It was a voice that screamed into my head from the pain in his heart.

I can still remember hearing, “Smells like Teen Spirit” for the first time. I was playing pool in the Lincoln caf. It stopped me mid-shot. His growling, yelling, pleading, melodic voice demanded my attention. I was seduced by words I couldn’t understand. Connected to a new sound that seemed familiar to my soul. In his screaming I felt soothed. 

It was like nothing I had ever heard before. Yet everything I needed to hear.

3 years later he escaped into a needle. And into that needle he was lost.

There are always shifts in life. Sometimes a light will dawn slowly and evenly. Taking gentle time to illuminate the shadows and coax us from sleep.

But sometimes a cold, hard slap of reality will hit you with floodlights. Making you feel exposed, vulnerable and utterly alone.

Divine blessings can be disguised as our hardest challenges. Our deepest learnings occur in our darkest hours. It’s when we realise that what we are seeking and who we are trying to heal is right before our eyes.

I have been blessed to be by myself but never alone. To have sunk into darkness but swim towards light. To be utterly lost and somehow be found.

Think restorative, inversions and metta. ( loving kindness.)

If we could wander through the clouds of each other’s emotions – our joys, our sadness, our grief, our anger – it would be the kindest way to live. To share our stories. To touch each other deeply. To see and remind each other of the magic that we have within.

It reminds me that everything I am is all I’ll ever need. That what I’m seeking to be and who I’m seeking to heal, is ultimately myself.

RIP Kurt. You rock.


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