surrender into yourself


So, I’m sick.

My skin is hot and my bones are cold. I have a brick on my chest which serves as a block on my mind.

I’m a bit like my dad – I don’t do sick very well.

I may be dying….

It started Thursday with a headache. With a mate. Who gave me a cup of tea. Later, despite her love and english breakfast, I had 3 different pool attendants at leisurelink ask me if I was OK.

Friday was our first day at home in a long while. Everything mundane I had been avoiding was stark before my eyes. The simple admin of living. The washing, the dusting, he toothpaste wiping, the lawn mowing….as I got greyer and slower, my husband asked me if I was OK.

It beat me Saturday.

I got up. I went back to bed. I got up. I went back to bed. I hadn’t eaten a proper meal since Thursday. I lay on top of my bed, put a pillow over my feet and surrendered into dreamless sleep.

I’m sick.

Rumi says, “into the wound, enters the light.”

There can be a real healing in succumbing to illness. To surrendering into the body’s natural intelligence. To rest. To renew. To drop into yourself wholly, no matter how lousy you feel.

Recognising ego as the activity that binds to body and mind.

Recognising aparigraha (attatchment) to busyness. To doing.

Recognising the cyclic nature of our existence. A time for joy. A time to dance.

And there is a time to be sick.

It’s just a bummer when the weather is so nice.

After resisting my body’s need to rest for 2 days, I am now dropping wholly into the experience. It’s not pleasant. But I watch my body let go of responsiveness. I watch my fullness of breath wane. I watch my ego that would prefer to get up and do, drop into a place of being. And with this comes and element of my body feeling lighter. Awakening an inner mystery that calls stronger.

Think pawanmuktasana, restorative and yoga nidra (sleep).

I’m getting better at being sick. I’m still feeling crap. But there is my faith that this state is one of impermanence. One which is necessary and will pass soon enough.

So when my husband asks me how I’m feeling this morning, I lay in bed and through a chunky cough say,

“I’m feeling a bit better.”


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