No – again.

So, the stats make it official.

As of this week, I have become more unsuccessful in job interviews than I have become successful.
That is, I’ve been told “No” more than I’ve been told “Yes.”

At first, admittedly, I was way underprepared. When I started scratching my itchy feet and began applying for more senior roles, they interviewed me about strategic plans. My answer being a blink, an audible swallow, and then I think may have mentioned the Geelong football club.

Even though the job was in health.
And I barrack for Collingwood.

But that was over a year ago. And I’ve picked up a bit recently. Now I can give you the mission statement, vision and values of said plan by rote. And I’ve learnt the first 2 lines of the Cat’s team song, just in case. With help I’ve re-worked my CV and even bought a shirt.

But this week the word “No” came at me again.

Leaving me wordless.
For the first time in a long, long time.

In having some time to retreat into myself, and licking my raw wounds (via a new op-shop), I’ve asked the question –

What’s wrong with me? Am I not good enough? Not smart enough? Not enough of a team player? Not enough strength to hold the reins?

Too much experience? Not enough experience?
Too old? Too young?
Too boring? Too out there?
Too arrogant? Too shy?

The list went on and on. As my voice became less and less.

Until I had no voice at all.

Think throat openers, abdominal twists and bhramari.

We all have resume strengths. Aspects of our character that we can bring to a workplace. The directions we can take a role and the developments we can bring to a team. A standard of professional excellence we work towards as we strive to build on our skills and share them with others.

And then there are our eulogy strengths. Aspects of our character we bring to our lives. The directions we follow and the development of ourselves to make us the person we want to be. A standard of heart we open to when we strive to make ourselves the best version if ourselves we can be.
And to share this with others.

Paul Tillich said, “suffering introduces you to yourself.” By sitting in voiceless words, I listened for the calling within my call.

And then my small folk put them into words on hand-made cards today.

They reminded me that “I pick them up when they are down.” That I’m “kind” and I “smell nice like flowers”. They reminded me of the strength it takes to de-centre your love and put yourself out there. They reminded me it’s not about being better than others, but about growing to be better than I used to be.

They reminded me to be humble for the blessings that I share. They reminded me to trust in the wisdom that surrounds me. They reminded me of the journey that we walk hand in hand together.

Sometimes I carry my small ones. Today, they’ve carried me. And when I asked them if they wanted to come play with me outside on the earth.

They said “yes.”
Even though it was raining.

Happy Mothers day.


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